How to become a professional cheerleader

Posted on April 2, 2014. Filed under: cheerleading, personal |

Warning: sarcasm ahead. This is a satire piece overdoing the regular ins and outs of cheerleading. These aspects of cheerleading are things I have personally struggled with, AND tendencies I have seen in other cheerleaders I know. I am NOT intending to make fun of any of my fellow cheerleaders, but rather to poke fun at how easily this sport can fill and consume our lives.
So you want to be a professional cheerleader? Well, I havent been one very long, but I will try to give you all the information I know. It’s a lot of work, but you will see what I mean.
Perfect Body- obviously anyone who wants to do cheerleading professionally knows that their body has to be perfect. Depending on the type of cheerleader you are, the body part that needs work will vary. If you think your legs are ok, then your flabby arms are probably the problem. If your legs and arms are great, then it could be your butt. If you are like me and have a naturally tall and lanky body type and you think no ill of your legs, butt, or arms, then it is probably your stomach. The way you can find out which body part isn’t up to par is by paying attention to your environment. When you are in the grocery store line looking at the fitness magazine, what part of the models body do you look at first? When at the beach, what part of other girls bodies do you catch yourself gazing at longingly… That’s probably your “thing.” It’s also very common to have other people tell you that this body part looks great/fine/normal. Don’t believe them. In professional cheerleading you can never really be happy with your body. That would be silly. That would mean listening to your professional trainers who are trying to help you build muscle for the sport. They will make you lift weights that are relative to the weight of the human being you are going to be lifting on game day. They claim fitness in the sport is something about safety. To follow THAT plan, you will end up looking muscular and possibly even healthy. If there’s one thing I know about the cheerleader image, it’s that it is very closely tied to the model image… And we all know that you can’t be healthy AND skinny. Those just don’t jive well together. Cheerleaders must have perfect bodies.

You will be rich-
To be a professional cheerleader you should quit your job right away so you can start making the big bucks. Did you know that once you pay your $300 deposit, $20 tryout fee, buy your $40 cheer runners, pay for your gas to get to wherever the tryout or callback interviews are, you are then ready to start ringing in the cash (or cash equivalent). This last year alone I made $20 cash (by secretly selling our calendars for more than I was supposed to to drunk people) and I received close to $500 in the football team’s retail merchandise. Now, technically we weren’t allowed to wear that merchandise around. Only for promotions and game day stuff, but as soon as that 9 month season was over, we were allowed to wear it as much as we wanted. Of course after living in the colours green, black, and white during the season, I didn’t always want to wear the football team’s stuff anymore. But you better bet your bottom dollar that it is sitting in my closet keeping its worth… Maybe even appreciating in value!

Cheer makes you valuable-
If you want to be a professional cheerleader, you have to understand cheer is what makes you worth something. You get proverbial cheer points the more you can make someone cat call you. If you can get the other girls who are prettier than you to comment on your hair, make-up, or clothing, then you have just inched up the cheerleading ladder. You also really want to make sure that other people know you are a professional cheerleader. I’m talking about people NOT in the cheerleading/football world… Surprisingly they do exist! You will need to practice casually slipping that you are a professional cheerleader into normal conversation with new people you meet. As a new cheerleader, you can be a little awkward and drop it in where it wouldn’t really make sense to mention it, but the longer you cheerlead, the easier it will get to allow people to know who you are- and that, my friend, is a BIG deal. You have to start realizing that YOU are the reason all those people come to the games! YOU are the reason they win the trophy at the end of the year! Once you start realizing that, you will really start realizing your true worth in life. Just make sure you hold onto your dream as long as possible. Once you leave cheerleading, your whole world will be flipped upside down. You will start to wonder why you exist- and you might even begin to pursue less worthy passions like a career, school, love, or faith. True professional cheerleaders pity those retired women. Some of them even come to watch us from the stands. You can see them in the stands- gazing longingly at our fit little bodies; waving at the one or two ‘lifers’ that they still know on the team. Its tragic really, but they always end up bringing up stories from when they were on the team, just loud enough so that the next few sections around them know that they too were once a cheerleader. (See beginning of paragraph on how to interject you being a cheerleader into completely random conversation. This skill is really one that should be perfected as it will be used until the day you die. I once had a 60+ year old community fitness instructor tell me that SHE was once an Ottawa Roughrider cheerleader. I smiled knowingly, knowing that my affirmation of her worth at one time probably made her feel good.) And I almost forgot to mention- you must realize that your worth is from cheer and therefore, everything else in your life that was once important- boyfriends, family, church, school, friends- has to come second. In fact maybe even third; I think cheer is allowed to take up the first AND second priorities of your life.

Last but not least, if you really want to be a professional cheerleader, you MUST get good at taking selfies. Selfies in the car, selfies at school, selfies in the changeroom, selfies in the mirror. Selfies in the kitchen, selfies at parties, selfies with your falsies, (false eyelashes for those of you who don’t know) selfies with your besties. Selfies at night, selfies in the morning, selfies at the beach, selfies at the gym, selfiesnaps, and selfiegrams. Selfies at practice, selfies at family dinner, selfies on vacation, selfies at weddings. Selfies for boys and selfies for girls, selfies with pouts, selfies with smiles. Selfies with duck lips, selfies with kissy lips, selfies with toe pops, and selfies with hands on hips. But NEVER, and I repeat NEVER are you ever to take a no make-up challenge selfie. THAT, would be an insult to cheerleading womanhood. It is our RIGHT, and our privilege to wear make-up… And to vote and stuff like that.





















(I am actually sickened by how many of those selfie pictures I actually had. But to prove my point- I had to post them. I AM one of those people! Sad part is, I probably could have posted more… Heaven help us all.)
In closing, I wish you future professional cheerleaders good luck, and may the cheerleading gods bless you with glitter sweat, strong hairspray and a good teeth whitening gel that won’t make your teeth hurt.

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One Response to “How to become a professional cheerleader”

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This was a fun read šŸ™‚
I stumbled on your blog doing a search for “professional cheerleaders” for research for my next book. While I love your tongue in cheek teasing of your fellow cheer sisters, I do want to drop a mention of one of my current books, “Professional Cheerleading Audition Secrets” which is available on Amazon. It can help cheer candidates make it onto an NFL of NBA dance team, and then they can experience taking loads of selfies and collecting team merchandise first-hand! LOL xoxo FB šŸ™‚

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